I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
my liver is dry heaving
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
