Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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