Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
What a dumb baby whore.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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