Will you blow on my dice?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize