accomplished twins. life is a go
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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