Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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