Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
