I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
