1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
