from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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