put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
