Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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