Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
