? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
