Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize