fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
