My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
