You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Terrible idea I love it
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
