so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
