I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
