Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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