Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
