even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
