smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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