So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
