tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
