I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
