I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize