I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
