Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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