No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize