I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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