Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
