sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize