She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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