i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
