Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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