Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
