Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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