I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
