1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
