I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I want a musical about memes.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
