how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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