this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
