nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Can I color on your dick again?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
