a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize