Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
