The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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