what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
