On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
