someone get that fucking seahorse.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize