I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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