After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
