i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
