There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
