I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
