If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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