Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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