I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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