nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
