Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
