I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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