Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
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