cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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